The Urge to Kill

March 29, 2011. I am a peaceful man. A tradition in our house is that on your birthday, you get to specify the menu and activities for the day. We sat down on our back patio to a platter of barbecue spare ribs, pinto beans, garlic mashed potatoes and cole slaw. It is hard to imagine a more perfect day with a more perfect companion and meal until we had an uninvited guest--Da, Da, Daaah!. THE FLY!

No ordinary fly this, but one that had impeccable timing, coordination and speed. I lift my fork--he lights on my cheek. I try the napkin slap he launches to the left. A worthy adversary, no doubt. I even tried the old towel pop technique, but as he swiftly dodged the damp missile I could almost hear his high pitched mocking snicker as he jetted around our feast while I fumed.

I did not let the pest ruin our birthday feast, but I did make a personal commitment to become a man of violence. That's right. I have declared war. The intruder has gone one step too far. The fly must die!

As in any military operation the build up of arms and personnel is critical to the ultimate success of the mission. On a shopping venture to Carefree we stopped at the local armory. Acres of goods from around the world at my disposal. I ask the clerk where I could find the necessary equipment to launch my offensive. She did not know. (I am convinced that if WalMart is the future of American retail it is no wonder we are floundering. But that is another blog for another day.)

Finally the commander of the armory(the manager)led me to the right location in a discrete location amidst the many shelves of chemical weapons, I found it. The ultimate weapon. In the words of the manufacturer, it "is the ultimate tool in your arsenal of bug killing weapons". Exactly the kind of power I need. Plus, this incredible advanced technology is green! "No chemicals, no odors, sheer power!"

Plus, if I ever break this incredible weapon, the manufacturer will replace it for free--guaranteed! I am sure that this will set me back financially. After all, whoever develops such environmentally advanced lethal technology must be a profiteering arms merchant. But no--this incredible device cost only 98 cents!

Behold The Black Flag Super Swatter! With MAXIMUM SNAP!


Should this operation receive media coverage and reports come from the front lines, be assured that this is a family blog and any disturbing images will be fully disclosed with adequate warning.

My New Convertible (sort of)

As you know we spend time during the winter months in Arizona. As I am sure is common among most people, we daydream and speculate about what we should do and other things that probably won't happen. Over the past few years we have been processing the thorny issue of transportation.

Last year we gave our trusty old Volvo to Josh with the intention of replacing it. As we evaluated our lives we asked the question, "Could we get by with one car?" Surprisingly enough the answer is yes. In fact we get by quite nicely. It requires planning and organization--Ginger does most of that--but it works. Sometimes when I tell friends that we have only one car, they look at me like I have a third eye or something. It just isn't normal,I guess, but I have always thought normal was overrated.

Anyway, during our fantasy period of thinking about what car to buy, we thought a convertible would be nice in New Hampshire in the summer and AZ in the winter. Sounds reasonable. But we didn't buy another car.

Enter plan B. We decided to get bikes. It was our Christmas present this year. It has been a lot of fun. As for performance, they get 1 mile per 15o-170 calories. Top speed so far is 23 MPH downhill. We have joined a bike club and are meeting some serious bike junkies. Also when we run errands here on our bikes, the $3.60 per gallon fuel in my trusty Murano stays in my Murano. Over all it is good.

More important, we are learning that we can write our own script. The beauty of life in this free country is that you can be creative in how you live it. Gotta go now. Bike club is going for a ride at 8 AM.

I'm not dead yet!

I suspect that if you were to poll a reasonable sample you would find that most would find my body type more akin to Orca than Michael Phelps. Be that as it may, I now have one thing in common with Mr. Phelps. Last weekend, for the first time in my 59 years and 11 months I swam in a competitive meet.

Mind you, this is not a life long ambition, nor a goal that I ever set for myself. It is the result of walking into the pool when my friend Robert Lord (with me in the pool on the right) was puzzling on how to fill the fourth leg in the freestyle relay. I met with a bellowing "DAVID, IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!!" Robert has an irresistible charm and before I knew it I was saying, "Sure I can swim 50 yards. Yes, I can swim 100 yards. Sure, I will swim with you." You have to understand, when the Lord asks it is difficult-if not impossible to say no.

Fast forward to Saturday, March 5. We drove with our team to the Sun City West Recreational facility and were joined by over 75 seasoned citizens, many of which would put younger athletes to shame. The brackets were in ten year intervals starting at age 45. We swam in the 55 and up 200 and 400 yard relay. I swam the 2nd position.

I had done some practice and was confident that the 50 would be fine but I had some real concerns about a 100 yard sprint. Each time I practiced the 100, I floundered in the last 25 yards. I needed pace. I went through the play list of songs in my head until I found one that would give me the pace I needed to have some gas left on the last half lap. (Incidentally, the song that worked was the recipient of the Granddadamy Award for Best Love Song, "I Will" by Alison Krause, which happens to be my child bride and my theme song.)

Standing at the edge of the pool, waiting for Robert to finish the first leg of the 200, my heart was already racing, adrenaline was kicking in, he touched, I dove, I swam and it was over. The 400 was even scarier, but the pace worked and I was able to finish without floundering. Check competitive swimming off the bucket list.

We finished third in both events. I now have Arizona Senior Olympic Bronze medals. The ladies team from our community got two Gold Medals for their performance. We had a great time and made some new friends.