Euphemisms and Bathroom Words

I was informed by my darling granddaughter Reese that some of the children in her pre-school class use bathroom words. Oh, the humanity! I am grateful for her sensitivity to social graces and I am inspired to take up the cause of euphemisms.

There are things that we humanoids have either the need or desire to discuss that without euphemisms will cause us to use “bathroom words”, and Reese obviously disapproves. We should honor her lead. Ben Franklin once wrote an impressive piece on flatulence. http://unclestinky.wordpress.com/2008/01/04/ben-franklin-on-flatulence/ The release of humanly generated methane is a social experience common to us all that is worthy of a good moniker. Mrs. Carr, my diminutive fourth grade teacher had the occupational challenge of about 35 children who every Friday’s were fed pinto beans and cornbread for lunch. The afternoons were often aromatic and often accompanied by bodily orchestration. Mrs. Carr would encourage her minions to try to control the “gas escapes”, clearly a superior choice to bathroom words.

My son-in-law and number two granddaughter, upon hearing the sound of organic thunder say, “Dragon” or “gragn” depending on the speaker, another excellent choice. The spousal unit, in her bible school days, informs me that “tiger” was the method of warning others of the dreaded “silent but deadly”—we all know that one and would appreciate the advance recon.

While these proclamations are useful, they do not pass the test of a euphemism for the act. They merely are reporting the occurrence. Proper society needs a noun sufficiently graceful to describe flatulation (with fewer syllables, of course) and yet fail the Reese test for bathroom words. So I implore you, dear readers (now there is a faith statement if I ever wrote one) to give me your best suggestions, or actual euphemisms in use for the word that will pass Reese’s muster without saying F*#t. It is a new decade and we could use an expressive new word, in my opinion. And as much as my base, shall we even say crude, inclinations prefer to use--bathroom words--I yield to the reality that the walls that surround me have big ears and long memories.

Christmas Musings

I live in a world in which some people who choose to use words also choose to ignore their meanings and impute others. Much of this is due to commercial interests that wish to sway people's decisions by obscuring reason and inserting their own version of what is real.

I made waffles this morning. The recipe calls for one egg. I am no stranger to the grocery store and am adept at following the list (checking it twice) and executing accurate cost benefit analysis on goods desired. I know that eggs come in two colors. White and brown. My question is about the use of the word "natural". Someone would have me believe that if i choose brown eggs I am getting natural products, but if I choose the white eggs I would be getting something artificial. Having cracked an egg or two, and knowing a little about the reproductive cycle of chickens, and I have discovered that inside of both white and brown eggs I will usually find a yoke and and egg white (uncooked). The only discernible difference is the color of the shell. As far as I know, nothing inside the chicken alters the process of producing the egg or the color of the shell. Interestingly enough, the brown shelled eggs are typically much more expensive--40% more Thursday when I last shopped.

This morning the package holding the brown egg, (Which I did not buy--it was in the refrigerator without my prior knowledge.) made a bold declaration. ALL NATURAL EGGS. The full color paper insert was inserted into a tri-fold clear plastic very unnatural container. I began to speculate about the kind of person that would prefer all natural eggs. I would suspect the profile would include some degree of environmental concerns. Granted, I am sure that the design of the container is for the safety of the enclosed ovum, an important consideration that. My white eggs come in a plain cardboard-highly biodegradable-carton. I was a boy scout and consider myself to be an environmentalist. I try to eat healthy and avoid things when I can that are harmful. I find the disconnect between the "All Natural Eggs" and the poly packaging disturbing.

The other word is "organic". I have friends who buy "organic" food. Am I to believe that the lettuce that I buy in the other section of the produce department is "inorganic"? What I believe they mean is that the process by which the produce was grown was void of certain chemicals and compounds. Nevertheless, the produce is no more organic than any other plant. I am not a fan of the abuse of chemicals in the production of food. I am a fan of the correct use of the common language. Organic means organic.

Lest you think I am ranting rather than musing, I have not compunction to change the way people buy or eat. Just use the words right.

Who says I cant?

One of the greatest joys in my life is being Granddad and being with all my grandchildren at once. This weekend we traveled to Connecticut to see our 4 year old soccer star show us her stuff (unfortunately she was on the disabled list-she got a bug) and was joined by daughter Sara and granddaughter Gwendolyn. Gwennie had the misfortune of falling from her swing and breaking her leg. She has a cast from hip to heel. According to the doctor she can't walk with this think. According to Gwen, "watch me!"

She doesn't just walk, she runs, climbs, scoots with the greatest of ease. She adjusted her gait to extend the cast forward and plant it to bring the flexible leg forward. Her aunt Lara pointed out that she walked like Mr. Tumnus from the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. Gwen has a new nickname and a ride in Hudson's truck.

You play to win, Granny!

A few weeks ago our granddaughter Reese was here for a visit and as is her custom ensnared my child bride for a game. The set up the checkerboard in the kitchen and as is our experience when her family comes, there was much hubbub in every direction. As Ginger was distracted, Reese, in her indisputable 4.5 year old logic, determined that if Granny was not paying attention when it came her turn that should not slow down the game. She proceeded to continue taking her turns. When Granny turned back to the board she discovered that half of her checkers had been jumped and captured. When she registered her concern with the unusual rules for play Reese replied, "You play to win, Granny! You play to win!"

Fast forward to today. We surveyed the paper for something fun to do and found that people gathered at the city library to play scrabble. As we find our library a most enjoyable diversion we called our friend Ellie and decided to check it out. After all, G and I have been playing Scrabble online for several weeks now and enjoy it much.

We arrived at the library and found the site downstairs and met Stella and Connie. Stella gave us the ground rules and set up boards for two on two competition. Ginger was playing Stella-I squared off against Ellie. We began to play.

Stella it turned out to have a lot in common with our dear Reese. She plays to win. Not satisfied with a unilateral attack on Ginger she decided to coach Ellie between turns to increase her scoring potential. Twice she challenged words that I played on our board, even though she was playing another game, but refused to challenge an ineligible word that Ginger played because it set her up to score a load of points. Stella finished with a score of over 400 points and seldom made less that 20 points per word. She informed us that she once won a prize in a tournament for spelling a word using all her tiles that straddled two triple word score markers netting 212 points for one word. By the way, did I mention that Stella is in her 70's or 80's--we were afraid to ask.

At one point as she was helping Ellie in her quest to vanquish me I could not resist the urge to channel Marlon Brando and cried out, "STEL-LAH".

We walked away chuckling. What a great afternoon.

Fathers' Day

This Fathers' Day I am thankful for the fathers of my grandchildren. (Their mothers are awesome in their own right, but today is Fathers' day.) My grandchildren are among the most fortunate to have men in their lives who are worthy of the title "Daddy". We are all blessed because they understand the importance of being there for their kids. Thank you Adam. Thank you Emrys. Well done!

My own Personal Acronym

I am normally not a big fan of acronyms. They are particularly annoying when you don't know what they stand for. However, I have decided to take advantage of that reality and create my own acronym for strategic use in conversation. For those of you that read my blog, you will be in on the gambit, for others, oh well.

The root of my acronym is in a message I heard a few years back by Bill Johnson in which he said that he often times is asked for his opinion on things on which he has no opinion. Furthermore, he is not required to have an opinion on everything and is not required to state it even if he does. Brilliant!

To my acronym: IHNO (pronounced like "I Know") When conversation requires my obligatory response and I am not fully engaged or interested, I can put on a concerned/agreeable/distressed face, whichever is required by the situation, and say "IHNO". Which means of course, "I have no opinion." The duplicity is delicious. The conversation continues and I have extricated myself with two syllables.

If you are reading this, you are welcome to use my acronym. Who knows we may start a movement. Then again, you may just decide to respond IHNO!

A few of my favorite things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers...oops! Wrong list.

There are things in life that are just so good. Why not list them?

Fish tacos! Don't knock them until you try them--especially with good salsa verde.
Fresh peaches! enough said.
Pandora. Internet radio where you can create your own radio stations.
Podcasts.

• Freakonomics
• The God Journey
• Mars Hill
• Bethel weekly message

Laughing so hard your eyes leak.
Going to restaurants with Josh. (It is like having your own tour guide who knows the local language.)

To be continued--I am still alive, you know.